The Weight Of Pain

The Scoop

I always tell you all that my blog is my happy place. I’m just a hobby blogger or sometimes I say (pretend blogger) sharing my life. But today while I was out walking I decided I wanted to share a story with you. It is sad because of the content and it is not news to me. I have always understood the dynamics. I think knowing oneself is the way to, if not happiness, then contentment.

I’ve been sharing often about how I want to lose weight. Here is why.

As a child growing up I watched my mom agonize over her weight. She battled being around 30 to 100 pounds overweight from an early age. My mom was my hero. She was so strong, independent and good to me. She told me everyday how special I was and she taught me so much. But she couldn’t hide her pain.

I watched my mom from the time I was very little try everything to lose and keep weight off. Her and her friends did starvation diets, no fat, no carb, cabbage soup and more. They even got staples put in their ears at one point. Our family doctor even gave my mom amphetamines to curb her appetite. They made her so crazy I remember one day watching her lose it and bending over to grab the vinyl on the floor and ripping it up straight down the middle of the room. I ran. I remember being a too skinny little girl not wanting to eat because I felt so sorry for my mom.

Things only got worse as she got older. She was so unhappy which turned to bitterness at times and affected our adult relationship. Up until a couple of weeks before she died I remember her telling me that she woke up every morning and just prayed to god to help her lose a little weight so she could do more. By then she had been in a wheel chair for many years.

As an adult I became very concerned with my own weight. I remember the first time I put on 20 pounds how scared I got. Was I going to be in the pain my mom and lived? I decided right then and there to never let my weight bring me pain. I joined weight watchers, lost the weight in a few months and felt in control and happy.

I managed to keep my weight stable within a few pounds over the years. I could tell if I gained even five pounds that I felt sluggish, depressed and let’s face it, ugly.

Fast forward to the past couple of years. I gained around ten pounds and felt like I couldn’t lose it. I kept saying the things that worked for me in the past weren’t working. I was very depressed. I could barely manage a normal life. I was very good at pretending though. The old fake til you make it skit.

The year 2020 was bad for me. I shared that I lost my mom, my dog and what I didn’t tell you was I lost myself. So in January 2021 I picked myself up off the pity pot and reached inside and found the grit my mom taught me and I used what always worked for me and I lost my extra weight. I feel so much better and yes happy.

No matter how good we are at parenting, we pass along our pain sometimes. There is no fault to that, we just have to learn how to navigate life with it. So that is what I will do. I choose happy.

Thank for stopping by!

Peace!